Hi (:
My name is Chair and I rock.
Seventeen candles on the 28th September '09. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
is the bomb.
you know you love me
xoxo


put a more detailed profile here. (:




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at 9:34 PM

this is frigging hilarious. the last time i blogged was july 30th 2010. that was a whole 5 years ago. 5 YEARS. OMG. i wonder if anyone still remembers this blog. or blogspot. i feel people seem to write less now cos their diary is now instagram and twitter. i probably wouldn't be back here myself but i really wanted to express my feelings somewhere. i can't tell anyone because i think they'll say i'm very silly. and i basically feel bad whining to people about my problems. but i'm so glad i've come back here. i read back on things that i thought was hell of significant or important in my life at the moment and now i look back, 5 years wiser and more mature (hopefully) and just laugh at myself. the last time i blogged, i was in foundation year. now i'm a few months away from graduating and job hunting. i wonder if i will come back in another 5 years when i'm 30 and shake my head at 25 year old me. so i met wei yesterday in auckland. i hadn't seen him in almost 2 years. i was walking with my friends and then i heard someone behind me say, 'hey. where are you guys going?' it was a voice i didn't recognise, or rather in this case, didn't really remember. then i turned around and there he was, dressed in a grey top and jeans. i want to freeze the vision of him in that moment forever. he was just as handsome as i remembered, or maybe even more so. is that even possible?! my jaw wanted to drop to the floor in shock and my heart started pounding a million miles an hour. i gave him a hug and i couldn't help thinking how thin he felt. i thought he would be bulkier than that. i wonder if he still hits the gym as often. we chatted for a bit. i think wei has the sexiest voice on the planet. i can seriously listen to him speak forever. and his smile. omg. i'm surprised i'm wasn't a puddle of goo on the floor. i seriously wanted to shout "WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD LOOKING?!?!?!!!!!" from the highest mountain top. he asked how my interviews went and i asked him about his job and his family. what pisses me off about wei is that he never gives anything away. i don't know if he's like that with everyone, or he doesn't like to give away details to people he doesn't know very well. maybe i'm more open about myself than i realise. i don't go around announcing information but i'm quite happy to talk about my family or interests if it helps keep a conversation going. but i feel he justs answers as much as he needs to and that's it. and i feel bad to keep asking cos i feel i'm one step away from turning this conversation into an interrogation. anyway so we keep talking, and my awesome friends, bless them, obviously know i don't want t be disturbed so they let me be. soon it's quite clear he wants to head off, and we have a parting hug (again, i'm thinking he's thin) and that's kind of it. my head is reeling cos i keep thinking that i want to tell him how i feel. but i can't tell him that at a dental conference for pete's sake. imagine going from "choose composite shades through the process of elimination" to "hey i've liked you since 2nd year and i'm still hopelessly in love with you." it's just not gona fly. so i message him later on fb and ask him out for coffee so i can tell him face to face, away from all this dental talk. who cares if i have a dinner appointment after. i'll sort it out somehow. and he answers back that his friends are leaving soon after so he should hang with them. i swear i wanted to just break down and cry on the spot. i know it sounds like a pretty legit reason, but somehow i don't buy it. my gut tells me he actually doesn't want to meet up and he's just letting me down really nicely. cos if he was keen to meet up he would have suggested another time or maybe in between lectures we could have a chat. but no. i can take the hint. i now have a newfound respect for guys who have gone up to girls and asked them out and got rejected. i even admire their persistance now. to keep trying to get attention after you've been rejected takes a lot of strength and courage. the next time my girlfriends tell me about guys who pursue them, i will definitely tell them to give the guy a chance, or at least let him have his say so they can get their confession off their chest for closure and move on. like sis says, he's not obliged to spend time with me. i have a new nickname for sis- the band-aid ripper. hard truth without any censorship. yup, she just rips the band-aid off and to hell with the sting. then to make matters worse, i saw him talking to the fucking redhead whom i hate so much. i don't know if they know each other (i pray not) or if they were just introduced. but if she ends up working at the same hospital as him...... i think a little part of me would just die inside. since i missed wei the last time he came down to dunedin, i told myself i would try to tell him in auckland. that obviously failed. so now i don't know what to do. i can't possibly keep hanging on. it would drive me crazy. it would ruin any relationships i wish to have in the future. but it's so hard to let go. what wouldn't i give to turn these feelings off like a switch. i'm so confused. do i just let him go? and wonder 'what if' forever? i wonder if he knows. maybe he knows and he just wants to spare me the pain of humiliation. oh gosh, the agony. i just wish i could tell him how i feel, have him reject me, so i can have some closure and move on with life. is that too much to ask?


at 7:56 PM

i feel so stupid. so fucking, retardedly stupid. k, retardedly isn't even a word. but ahhh heck, who cares. i will never, EVER compromise my beliefs for a guy ever again. whatsmore this guy already has a gf, and they've been together for what, 2 years or something? and i've just known him for 1 week.

i went for a christian cell group. a freaking cell group. my other friend has practically died trying to pull me to church, and here i am voluntarily going to some church gathering because i wana see some guy with a girlfriend. i feel so disgusted with myself, i feel like a rape victim. i want to sit in the shower and scrub myself so hard that i bleed. i feel so tainted and dirty. i hate that i have violated my deepest and most important personal beliefs. i now know what it feels like to betray yourself, and that hurts so much more than anyone can ever, EVER hurt you.

in my sane moments i've said that no matter how much i like a guy or how hot/cute he is, i would never convert to whatever religion he is. no matter how much it hurts. and now that i've taken a step back to see for myself, i am even more convinced that i have made the right choice.

after tonight, it has further cemented my belief that Christianity is not for me. i mean, i really like some people there, because i can feel that they are genuinely kind and good people. but i just can't bring myself to subscribe to the same mindset. i hate it when these people put god before anything else. just because the church comes up with some activity, they have to drop everything and just do it? all the prior engagements that they have committed themselves to has just been shot to hell???!! i can't agree with that. i hate that they have to belittle themselves and give the supposed god so much credit. why must everything belong to god? given to you by god? why can't everything u work for be yours? bcos u have worked so hard to achieve it and thus you reap what you sow? ARGGHHH!!!! like i said, 2 different mindsets. i should not attempt to try to understand how they think. we disagree to agree.

duno why but i just feel so agitated, so pissed, so annoyed. i feel like punching something. looks like im not going to worship jesus anytime in the near future.

i want to curl up in bed and have a good cry.


at 9:12 AM

he texted me and i couldn't stop smiling. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!


at 6:28 PM

he hasn't contacted me for a week. i don't know how i feel about that. i'm pretty sure my feelings for him are pretty much over, but i can't help but check my phone ever so often to see if there is a text, or if there is if it is from him. what's up with that? i really wish there were some simple, clear cut answers to my feelings.

damn it. i wish i knew how to express myself better.

i should really go do my umat now. after all, grades are much more dependable than guys.


at 7:48 PM

i really like how our friendship has just blossomed on it's own to become ours. 3 months ago, i could never be alone with him and the awkward silences would have been unbearable. now, we're doing things i never thought we would do together. texting and just hanging out...... they're not big deals but somehow, it would be really hard to do these things if that person wasn't a good friend to you. our relationship is no longer pivoting and depending on a third party anymore. it belongs to us. :)

and for that, i'm happy :D


at 10:42 PM

i really want to remember this night forever. not that it meant anything, but...... it just was much better than i ever expected.

m asked me whether if i was keen on watching a movie cos he had 2 free tickets, so we ended up watching robin hood. the movie was scheduled at 9pm, and by 8.30pm he still hadn't contacted me. i was wondering if the thing was still on, and i was scared to msg him cos i was scared of the answer. i was scared that if he said he forgot or he was with someone else, i wouldn't be able to take the pain. i felt like one of those girls in the movies, where they go through all the effort to dress up and look pretty, only to find out the object of their affections were out with some other girl or something. which pretty much sucks as really. but by 8.30pm i was pretty anxious, and he hadn't contacted me the whole day, so i did msg him and he said yes, it was still on. then he picked me up, late, in typical m fashion, and it was already 9.03pm and we were still on the road to the cinema. and then we spent the next 10 minutes or so driving round the place looking for a parking space. oh. the movie was scheduled to start at 9pm btw. :P when we finally got into the cinema it was already like 9.15pm, and the movie just started.

it ended about 11.20pm, and we decided to go for drinks. non-alcoholic, of course, bcos i don't drink and he had to drive. so after driving about for 10 mins or so, we ended up right back where we started, at a cafe beside the cinema. it's pretty annoying that very little eateries are open on saturday night. even the cafe we went to closed at midnight, and we went in at 11.40pm. the kitchen was closed but thankfully they still served drinks. we both had ice chocolates, which was good but oh-so-sinful, and then we went back to his place cos i needed to borrow his calculator. our uni has this stupid policy that they only allow 3 calculator models, so i couldn't use mine. i didn't want to waste $16, so i'll just go back in june and borrow sis'. and exams are next week.....so yea....

but it was good thing he didn't bring his calculator, cos it gave me an excuse to see his place that i'd been dying to see for a while. it was.......messy. haha! maybe cos he has a lot of stuff and his room is really pretty small. but before we went in, he had this special kind of skateboard in the boot of his car, so since he lived next to the railway station we took advantage of the flat ground and he showed me how he did it. 'twas pretty fun. :) then we finally went up to his room and he turned on the tv and they were showing 'rumour has it'. and in one scene it showed jennifer aniston just suddenly kissing a guy on the cheek, and i was wondering what would happen if i did it to him. but of course i didn't bcos if i did it would irrevocably ruin our friendship, and i wouldn't have a ride back to my place. we hung out, he showed me his medical textbooks, showed me some family photos on facebook, and i just randomly volunteered some information about my family too.

he usually sleeps early, and it was already way past midnight. he said he was tired and of course i didn't want to overstay my welcome, which i probably already had. he fetched me back and i liked the fact that he didn't drive off immediately, and i could still turn around and wave goodbye to him. of course he didn't wait until i was in the house cos i'm not his gf or anything, but at least till i got my keys out? i got to my room and i checked the time: 2.12am. :)

my conclusion is that i still don't know a lot about him, and that he surprised me by liking stuff that i didn't expect. he likes clubbing, but doesn't really go cos he said he's not a really good dancer. :P and i'm really, really sad and heartbroken that he will be going back to christchurch in 2012. cos he has a choice to stay in dunedin, christchurch or auckland for his clinical years, and he has his own family and house in christchurch so there's no reason for him to stay in dunedin where he has to pay rent. and come to think of it, it's only 1.5 years away! :((((( just the thought of it makes me wana cry. :( sigh!

but even though he has made it quite clear that he doesn't reciprocate my feelings, i'm actually grateful for this bout of feelings, and what it has taught me. he's the first guy that sends me home after taking me out though i'm just a normal friend to him, he's the FIRST GUY EVER that u put on makeup for when i go out with him. (k, just foundation to cover up my flaws, but omg i discovered this amazing foundation. Photoready makeup by Revlon. i love it, it's awesome.)and he's the first guy that made me think that i would be really proud to bring him home to meet my family if he was my bf. i can already imagine my parents telling me that i have chosen well. unfortunately, it's not going to be him in this lifetime, but he certainly has set the bar really high, and all the other unfortunate candidates would definitely be measured against him as the benchmark. :P it definitely stings a bit, but i think tonight i really have been able to better put things into perspective, where i have learnt to accept what i'm feeling, and that it's ok to feel this way about somebody but be rejected. and also to see that even if we can't be lovers, i'd take his friendship any day, and the fact that we're able to enjoy each others company is infinitely precious to me, and i won't trade it for the world.

i had a little cry just now, and i think i'll go wash up and clean the makeup off my face, then crawl into bed and have another good bout of waterworks. but i duno. i feel like after tonight i'll be brave enough to say: yes, i like him. but we're going to remain as friends and that's ok. i'll have more courage and patience to not try and rush things and hope for anything more. basically let nature take its course.

wow. long post. but i guess i really needed to type this and let it all out cos saying it someone can be pretty embarrassing at times. haha...... he said he is game for doing spontaneous things with me. maybe next time i'll suggest we take a road trip somewhere? :P oh gosh it's 3.47am. i really need to catch some Zs.......


at 9:27 PM

it's funny how my sister just blogged about how much she misses school. bcos as for me, i really DON'T miss it. hwachong, of course. besides meeting some nice people, that place has given me nothing but heartache and stress. i know i didn't put in as much effort as i should have, but i know that even if i study my hardest, i still won't be able to do well. maybe i'm just not smart enough. touch luck eh? but whatever la. i've just made up my mind to erase hwachong completely from my mind. if people ask me which jc i went to, i'll just say i went straight from crescent to otago. those 3 years spent in that shithole will just be some void in my life which will always remain a blank. even if i become successful next time, i won't say i'm from hwachong. i won't give that place the glory of highlighting the fact that i graduated from there in the newspaper interview.

oh yes. i remember i still have to go back and give some teachers the finger.