Hi (:
My name is Chair and I rock.
Seventeen candles on the 28th September '09. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
is the bomb.
you know you love me
xoxo


put a more detailed profile here. (:




« go back

| Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie |
| Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie |
| Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie |
| Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie | Linkie |




« go back

at 9:34 PM

this is frigging hilarious. the last time i blogged was july 30th 2010. that was a whole 5 years ago. 5 YEARS. OMG. i wonder if anyone still remembers this blog. or blogspot. i feel people seem to write less now cos their diary is now instagram and twitter. i probably wouldn't be back here myself but i really wanted to express my feelings somewhere. i can't tell anyone because i think they'll say i'm very silly. and i basically feel bad whining to people about my problems. but i'm so glad i've come back here. i read back on things that i thought was hell of significant or important in my life at the moment and now i look back, 5 years wiser and more mature (hopefully) and just laugh at myself. the last time i blogged, i was in foundation year. now i'm a few months away from graduating and job hunting. i wonder if i will come back in another 5 years when i'm 30 and shake my head at 25 year old me. so i met wei yesterday in auckland. i hadn't seen him in almost 2 years. i was walking with my friends and then i heard someone behind me say, 'hey. where are you guys going?' it was a voice i didn't recognise, or rather in this case, didn't really remember. then i turned around and there he was, dressed in a grey top and jeans. i want to freeze the vision of him in that moment forever. he was just as handsome as i remembered, or maybe even more so. is that even possible?! my jaw wanted to drop to the floor in shock and my heart started pounding a million miles an hour. i gave him a hug and i couldn't help thinking how thin he felt. i thought he would be bulkier than that. i wonder if he still hits the gym as often. we chatted for a bit. i think wei has the sexiest voice on the planet. i can seriously listen to him speak forever. and his smile. omg. i'm surprised i'm wasn't a puddle of goo on the floor. i seriously wanted to shout "WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD LOOKING?!?!?!!!!!" from the highest mountain top. he asked how my interviews went and i asked him about his job and his family. what pisses me off about wei is that he never gives anything away. i don't know if he's like that with everyone, or he doesn't like to give away details to people he doesn't know very well. maybe i'm more open about myself than i realise. i don't go around announcing information but i'm quite happy to talk about my family or interests if it helps keep a conversation going. but i feel he justs answers as much as he needs to and that's it. and i feel bad to keep asking cos i feel i'm one step away from turning this conversation into an interrogation. anyway so we keep talking, and my awesome friends, bless them, obviously know i don't want t be disturbed so they let me be. soon it's quite clear he wants to head off, and we have a parting hug (again, i'm thinking he's thin) and that's kind of it. my head is reeling cos i keep thinking that i want to tell him how i feel. but i can't tell him that at a dental conference for pete's sake. imagine going from "choose composite shades through the process of elimination" to "hey i've liked you since 2nd year and i'm still hopelessly in love with you." it's just not gona fly. so i message him later on fb and ask him out for coffee so i can tell him face to face, away from all this dental talk. who cares if i have a dinner appointment after. i'll sort it out somehow. and he answers back that his friends are leaving soon after so he should hang with them. i swear i wanted to just break down and cry on the spot. i know it sounds like a pretty legit reason, but somehow i don't buy it. my gut tells me he actually doesn't want to meet up and he's just letting me down really nicely. cos if he was keen to meet up he would have suggested another time or maybe in between lectures we could have a chat. but no. i can take the hint. i now have a newfound respect for guys who have gone up to girls and asked them out and got rejected. i even admire their persistance now. to keep trying to get attention after you've been rejected takes a lot of strength and courage. the next time my girlfriends tell me about guys who pursue them, i will definitely tell them to give the guy a chance, or at least let him have his say so they can get their confession off their chest for closure and move on. like sis says, he's not obliged to spend time with me. i have a new nickname for sis- the band-aid ripper. hard truth without any censorship. yup, she just rips the band-aid off and to hell with the sting. then to make matters worse, i saw him talking to the fucking redhead whom i hate so much. i don't know if they know each other (i pray not) or if they were just introduced. but if she ends up working at the same hospital as him...... i think a little part of me would just die inside. since i missed wei the last time he came down to dunedin, i told myself i would try to tell him in auckland. that obviously failed. so now i don't know what to do. i can't possibly keep hanging on. it would drive me crazy. it would ruin any relationships i wish to have in the future. but it's so hard to let go. what wouldn't i give to turn these feelings off like a switch. i'm so confused. do i just let him go? and wonder 'what if' forever? i wonder if he knows. maybe he knows and he just wants to spare me the pain of humiliation. oh gosh, the agony. i just wish i could tell him how i feel, have him reject me, so i can have some closure and move on with life. is that too much to ask?