Hi (:
My name is Chair and I rock.
Seventeen candles on the 28th September '09. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
is the bomb.
you know you love me
xoxo


put a more detailed profile here. (:




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at 7:56 PM

i feel so stupid. so fucking, retardedly stupid. k, retardedly isn't even a word. but ahhh heck, who cares. i will never, EVER compromise my beliefs for a guy ever again. whatsmore this guy already has a gf, and they've been together for what, 2 years or something? and i've just known him for 1 week.

i went for a christian cell group. a freaking cell group. my other friend has practically died trying to pull me to church, and here i am voluntarily going to some church gathering because i wana see some guy with a girlfriend. i feel so disgusted with myself, i feel like a rape victim. i want to sit in the shower and scrub myself so hard that i bleed. i feel so tainted and dirty. i hate that i have violated my deepest and most important personal beliefs. i now know what it feels like to betray yourself, and that hurts so much more than anyone can ever, EVER hurt you.

in my sane moments i've said that no matter how much i like a guy or how hot/cute he is, i would never convert to whatever religion he is. no matter how much it hurts. and now that i've taken a step back to see for myself, i am even more convinced that i have made the right choice.

after tonight, it has further cemented my belief that Christianity is not for me. i mean, i really like some people there, because i can feel that they are genuinely kind and good people. but i just can't bring myself to subscribe to the same mindset. i hate it when these people put god before anything else. just because the church comes up with some activity, they have to drop everything and just do it? all the prior engagements that they have committed themselves to has just been shot to hell???!! i can't agree with that. i hate that they have to belittle themselves and give the supposed god so much credit. why must everything belong to god? given to you by god? why can't everything u work for be yours? bcos u have worked so hard to achieve it and thus you reap what you sow? ARGGHHH!!!! like i said, 2 different mindsets. i should not attempt to try to understand how they think. we disagree to agree.

duno why but i just feel so agitated, so pissed, so annoyed. i feel like punching something. looks like im not going to worship jesus anytime in the near future.

i want to curl up in bed and have a good cry.


at 9:12 AM

he texted me and i couldn't stop smiling. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!


at 6:28 PM

he hasn't contacted me for a week. i don't know how i feel about that. i'm pretty sure my feelings for him are pretty much over, but i can't help but check my phone ever so often to see if there is a text, or if there is if it is from him. what's up with that? i really wish there were some simple, clear cut answers to my feelings.

damn it. i wish i knew how to express myself better.

i should really go do my umat now. after all, grades are much more dependable than guys.


at 7:48 PM

i really like how our friendship has just blossomed on it's own to become ours. 3 months ago, i could never be alone with him and the awkward silences would have been unbearable. now, we're doing things i never thought we would do together. texting and just hanging out...... they're not big deals but somehow, it would be really hard to do these things if that person wasn't a good friend to you. our relationship is no longer pivoting and depending on a third party anymore. it belongs to us. :)

and for that, i'm happy :D